Count It All Joy

In lieu of it being my birthday today, I thought I would write a introspective and retrospective post on the things that I have learned this year – about myself, about life, and the things God has taught me. 20 has been full of changes, it has been a growing experience. Some of these changes I have resisted full force, and some of them I have implemented on myself because I felt it was the right thing to do. It’s a year that the word family has come to mean something different than I knew before. Most of all – it has been a year of waiting, patience, and character building. As I go through the things I have learned this last year of life, I also will include some of my favorite meaningful quotes that I feel are representative of my learning experiences.

“It’s hard to beat a person who never gives up.”
― Babe Ruth

Wow, was 20 packed with experiences. It was the year that I have worked the hardest in my life, long days and late nights working, building a sense of direction while learning what it means to be independent. This has been a year that my friendships have become so precious to me – a year where some of the familiar faces in my life – or even distant friendships – have become some of my closest, dearest friends. It is a year that has brought bitterness and heartbreak from those who I thought would never fail me – and yet in the face of bitterness has brought utter thankfulness, fulfillment, patience, strength, and perseverance.

Do I have regrets from this last year? Most definitely – I feel a deep sadness from my close relationships that have become distant, I am learning that this distance is not always permanent, though it it circumstantial. This last year has taught me to be a better friend – something I am still working on. However it has brought out the fact that I have not always, nor am I always the friend that I need to be to some of the amazing people around me.

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.”
– Kurt Vonnegut

I regret the struggle I have developed with forgiveness. Now this is some honesty here – never in my life have I struggled with bitterness as much as this year. I am learning what it means to not be consumed by this – to give it over to God. Have I mastered this? Not even close. It is an area that really hurts to see contrast between my childhood days and now – how protective I have needed to become of myself and how I struggle to rely on God and those around me for any kind of support – in fear of being let down.

However I have realized that while it is important to be strong, it is also important to never be consumed by the struggles in life. Our youth has a beautiful rebounding quality that is sweet and unselfish – quick to forgive and easily trusting. This is a quality that I am determined to keep in the areas that I am still able. Protecting myself has it’s place, but I am determined to not be entirely hardened by hardship. This is where I need God’s grace to help me forgive and be able to rely on others and Him again.

“But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. 30 And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.”
-Matthew 10:29-31

The past few years and especially this year has brought in a flood of support and love from those in my life. These relationships have become so so precious to me – I fully believe God knows my needs and has blessed me by putting these people in my life. This year has brought about a newfound comfort in the person I am, though I see many areas for growth, I have learned more about people, relationships, friendships, and my own fears and struggles than ever before.

“Everyone strives to be happy, but being at peace with yourself and the world is more important then finding happiness. Throughout life happiness will come and go, but peace will be constant.”
-RL

I have learned the meaning of the word “integrity.” Staying true to my beliefs and morals has become foundational to the person I am. In this way, I have found security, stability, and comfort knowing that while there are always areas to grow, I have not compromised where I feel it is important to stick to my guns. Where other areas of my life are unreliable and rocky, I am able to come back to this as a place of safety – knowing that I have maintained my beliefs and stuck to them.

“I hope you live a life you are proud of. If you find that you are not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
– F. Scott Fitzgerald

There are many things I am grateful for as I look forward to this new year – the continuous outpouring of love and support that those around me have offered, the opportunities to grow and learn about myself, and the assurance through every known circumstance – God is looking out for my best interest.  So bring it on 21 – let’s see what you have in store.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
James 1:2-3 NIV